Relapse

I call Wednesdays, relapse day.
I started naming them that way once it became a pattern.

But I guess its better than it consuming you on a daily basis, no ?

Once a week is considered an upgrade. 

But that “once” lasts for 4 days sometimes. 

The green, white, and pink don’t help much at this point. 

The triggers creep up on you in the most innocent of forms. 

Things you think you’ll get lost in.

But end up losing it. 


I haven’t heard the voices for a month now.

This is the first time admitting that they exist. 

Once you say something out loud, once you write them down, they become concrete.

And thats what scared me.

I don’t want this to be real. 

Which led to my breakdown. 


What is real ?

What is there ?

What was said last night ?

Was it a dream or reality ?

Is this my endless nightmare ?


Wake up.


Pinch me.


I’m trying to keep the brave face. 

I promise.

I know you always want me to be the strong kid you always remember.

But it gets heavy sometimes.

And I’m sorry for that, mom.


I’m sorry I’m not as strong as I used to be.

I’m trying to kill the voices before they kill me.

I’m trying to wake up from this deep stupor my mind put me in.

I’m so scared.

I’m scared and I feel so alone.


But on relapse day, I give up.

My head will be the death of me.

Friday

Who would’ve known that the spot that fixed me, would be the same spot that shatters me years later.

Who would’ve known i’d be sitting all alone in that same spot and break a little every time I look at your side.¬†


Friday nights were always yours.


No amount of pills will help me cope with this loss.

No amount of pills will numb this fucking pain.


It hurts to breathe.


I always had a goodnight sleep on Friday nights.

I would sleep peacefully smelling like you, with your taste still on my lips.


Now I cant sleep without those pills, and the taste of tears on my lips.

And I want so badly to call you and breakdown.


Friday nights were always yours.


I used to look forward to waking up to you.

Now, the words I say every morning are my new daily ritual.

“I can’t wait to go back to sleep”.


I can’t seem to lift a cheek to form at least half a smile.

Nothing in this world is right.

The love of my life isn’t next to me.


I see you everywhere I turn.

I see you in the little things.

I see you in the big things.

I see you in the moon and the stars.

‘Cause you always were my universe.


What hurts the most is that you still are.

Slow Down 

Every one is usually in a hurry to grow up.
But once they do, they’re in a hurry to go to sleep to avoid life’s difficulties.


Because, as kids we were never exposed to this part of life.

Our lives were filled with cartoons and legos. Thinking that when we grow up we could get want we want, not knowing that in order to get what we want we must do what we never did.

And sometimes the reason why its something we never did, is because its something we never thought we’d have to do at some point.


So we avoid. 


We sleep it off thinking that it will disappear the next morning.

And in those first 10 seconds of waking up your mind is blank.

As if you went back to being that kid where things were okay, and the only thing you could possibly fear is getting caught eating candy before lunch.


A blissful 10 seconds.


Then, poof. Reality hits.

The same thing you tried to sleep off is still there waiting for you.


Its one of our mind’s tricks.


Thats what it means to be an adult I guess. Discovering how many tricks our minds play on us.

XI.VI.XIV

You pick yourself up

You go on with your day

Life doesn’t stop for anyone

And it sure as hell won’t stop for you


You brush the hurt off

You walk it off

You play it off

You paint it off


Your meat suit picks up your heavy soul 

You apologize for its heaviness 

Your ribs hold on to your heavy heart

And you’re left apologizing all day


You get up and you go on with your day

Like its any other day

Like its any other boring routine


Oh how I hate routines


The happiest day of your life

Turns into the saddest day

It’s funny how life works that way

Knows how and when to push your buttons

Knows how to turn the thing you love the most against you


‘Cause the thing you love the most, is always the thing that breaks you


Alas, life doesn’t stop for anyone

And it sure as hell won’t stop for you