I call Wednesdays, relapse day.
I started naming them that way once it became a pattern.
But I guess its better than it consuming you on a daily basis, no ?
Once a week is considered an upgrade.
But that “once” lasts for 4 days sometimes.
The green, white, and pink don’t help much at this point.
The triggers creep up on you in the most innocent of forms.
Things you think you’ll get lost in.
But end up losing it.
I haven’t heard the voices for a month now.
This is the first time admitting that they exist.
Once you say something out loud, once you write them down, they become concrete.
And thats what scared me.
I don’t want this to be real.
Which led to my breakdown.
What is real ?
What is there ?
What was said last night ?
Was it a dream or reality ?
Is this my endless nightmare ?
I’m trying to keep the brave face.
I know you always want me to be the strong kid you always remember.
But it gets heavy sometimes.
And I’m sorry for that, mom.
I’m sorry I’m not as strong as I used to be.
I’m trying to kill the voices before they kill me.
I’m trying to wake up from this deep stupor my mind put me in.
I’m so scared.
I’m scared and I feel so alone.
But on relapse day, I give up.
My head will be the death of me.