The words still taste bitter in my mouth.
But, you have to get up.
You have to get on with your life.
Even if you don’t want to.
Even if you feel like sinking in your bed for eternity.
All thats running through my head is
What happened ..
Why did it happen ..
Did I do the right thing ?
When will this eat me up and drown me ?
When will the suffocation start ?
When will my skin crack open and have all those memories seep out like knives ?
What did I do ..
I don’t know if I want to go back in time or fast forward to the day all this is gone.
I hate this and I hate myself for this.
I especially hate those moments right after those first 10 seconds of waking up, not knowing whats going on, then suddenly it all comes crashing down on you like a ton of bricks, and you’re left breathless.
Its like I’m mourning the death of some one.
I’m not strong enough for this.
I feel like going back to sleep and never waking up.
I feel like digging a hole and dying in it.
My body is begging my mind for commands but my mind is too busy realizing what happened.
Adjusting itself to the fact that you’re not here anymore.
I can’t pick up my phone and call you whenever I want anymore.
I won’t see your name on my screen anymore.
I won’t hear you sleeping over the phone anymore.
And so I’m left feeling like a zombie.
I feel like my rib and heart got stripped out of my body, and it hurts so damn much.
I don’t know how I managed to exist without you before.
I don’t know a world where you don’t exist.
And I don’t want to.
No one will ever amount to the place you hold in my heart.
You have all of my heart.
Every little fucked up piece of it.
You have it all.
But how do you convince some one who’s a cynic in the matters of love ?
You are the love of my life, my best friend, and my family.
I hope you finally see that one day and truly understand it.