The Aftermath

The words still taste bitter in my mouth.

But, you have to get up.

You have to get on with your life.


Even if you don’t want to.

Even if you feel like sinking in your bed for eternity.


All thats running through my head is

What happened ..

Why did it happen ..

When ..


Did I do the right thing ?

When will this eat me up and drown me ?

When will the suffocation start ?

When will my skin crack open and have all those memories seep out like knives ?


What did I do ..


I don’t know if I want to go back in time or fast forward to the day all this is gone.


I hate this and I hate myself for this.

I especially hate those moments right after those first 10 seconds of waking up, not knowing whats going on, then suddenly it all comes crashing down on you like a ton of bricks, and you’re left breathless.

Its like I’m mourning the death of some one.


I’m not strong enough for this.


I feel like going back to sleep and never waking up.

I feel like digging a hole and dying in it.

My body is begging my mind for commands but my mind is too busy realizing what happened.

Adjusting itself to the fact that you’re not here anymore.


I can’t pick up my phone and call you whenever I want anymore.

I won’t see your name on my screen anymore.

I won’t hear you sleeping over the phone anymore.


And so I’m left feeling like a zombie.


I feel like my rib and heart got stripped out of my body, and it hurts so damn much.

I don’t know how I managed to exist without you before.

I don’t know a world where you don’t exist.

And I don’t want to.

No one will ever amount to the place you hold in my heart.

You have all of my heart.

Every little fucked up piece of it.

You have it all.


But how do you convince some one who’s a cynic in the matters of love ?


You are the love of my life, my best friend, and my family.

I hope you finally see that one day and truly understand it.

Forever

I told you, we will grow old and wrinkly together.

Knowing full well that these are the two words you feared the most. 


‘Cause, who wouldn’t want to grow old with some one that makes them feel high with the mere sound of their voice.

Some one who makes them feel in cloud nine with the touch of their hands.

Some one who makes them feel intoxicated with the touch of their lips. 

And to find that all in one person ?


I’d be a fool for not wanting to see that beautiful face form those lovely wrinkles along the years.

Witness those laugh lines being formed from the years of laughter and love we will have.

To trace them all as if it was the first day I met you and you were still 26.


You calm me.

You calm this crowded head of mine.

You calm this heavy heart of mine.

My serotonin.


How can I finally make you see ?

I’m Sorry ..

I’ve got music in this hollow chest of mine.

I’ve got melodies aching to be heard.


As soon as my fingers touch those keys, they all come pouring out.

Like an overflowing lifetime supply of pain.

A lifetime supply of love.

And a lifetime supply of heartbreak.


The screaming lungs have no voice.

They find their outlet on those 88 keys.

Note by note it stitches the heart.

Like a surgeon working on his final surgery.

Like an artist working on a masterpiece. 

A composer teaching the body the art of composing.

1, 2

Smile.


1, 2

Steady.


1, 2

Resolute. 


1, 2

Break.

Oh .. I’m sorry, take it from the top.


The truth is, I don’t think anyone is capable of loving me, or being with me. 

Who would want to deal with mental illness ? 

I can’t even deal with myself sometimes. 

No one deserves some one with this kind of damage.

And I’m sorry for making you deal with this kind of damage.


I think we fall in the realest and purist of love with the ones who are there in our weakest moments.

They see us all stripped down to the bones, with nothing to cover up our scars, and no masks to cover up our hurt.

And they love us.

You no longer have that thought you fear roaming around at the back of your mind, “what if they don’t like the real me when I can no longer keep this composure up ?” 

But they love us, regardless of what they see.

No hiding.

No pretending.

Just rawness.


But in the end they realize its too much to take in.

And I cant blame them.

I’m just a selfish fool for thinking that you could.

And I’m sorry for putting you through that.