I wish I could go back to the first day I saw you.
Ignore my heart beats and shortness of breath.
Ignore my longing eyes and desire.
And just walk away.
I wish I never knew you.
Its better than knowing that you exist and knowing that I can never have you in my arms.
I can never hold you tight and whisper in your ears the words that I write in my journal every night.
I can never take this mask off and show you my true colors.
Its all white when I see your face,
its all black when you’re gone,
its all red when I feel your warmth,
and its all gray when you look away.
I used to love looking into your eyes and memorize every color that’s in it.
How it changes with the sunlight and different angles.
But now I can’t seem to catch a glimpse of your eyes without feeling the destruction inside my heart.
Without feeling a huge punch in my stomach.
My body aches and begs of my eyes please look away.
My mind keeps telling my heart to stop this addiction
but my heart is too full of emotions to give a damn.
My whole body is in a war every time I see you.
When you look at me, I can feel the unkindness in your gentle eyes.
Its like you know I’m suffering but won’t do anything to stop it.
And It hurts.
it hurts so badly
and so sadly.
God it hurts.
And so the days go by, without him knowing my love for him.
And so the days go by, without telling him what I truly feel.
How my eyes long for that perfect, beautiful and peaceful face of his.
How my shallow heart only beats whenever he’s around.
How can I, when I’m dead inside?
wanting to reach out but can’t.
Hands get cold
eyes get warn out
body aches from pain.
But then he reaches out, and with the simplest touch from him, I regain my strength.
I’m convinced that an angel is walking among us.
In this world full of pain and misery, God had sent him to mend broken hearts.
I can’t seem to survive going through the day without catching a glimpse of him.
He doesn’t know that he’s my cure for my broken heart
the air that I breathe
the sun that warms up my day.
I wish I could open my heart for him to see, how it beats but faster than it should be.
Whenever he leaves the thoughts keep running through my head saying ‘please don’t go, I need one last breath, please don’t go, I need you’.
But no word leaves my lips.
Then I feel more helpless cause I come to my senses and realize that I could never have him.
Its an impossible love.
And so the days go by praying for my fair share of air.
And so the days go by longing for those heart beats.
The days go by..
Simplicity is such a good thing but a cruel thing at the same time.
You spend months
trying to forget.
But with a simple dream you start to remember everything.
You start to remember that there’s that pain that’s still deep inside trying to scratch itself out into the open
to show you that things were real and still exist.
There’s no use of blocking the memories out of your mind, cuz they’re already locked inside your heart.
And you never own the key to that
time only does.
you can’t control what your subconscious keeps and let’s go of
time only does.
The simplicity of time.
The cruelty of time.
Time that we always underestimate and misuse.
And you’ll have to do it all over again with time
the process of forgetting
the hard choices of ignoring your memories
the flashbacks your eyes see
the pinches that possess you’re heart.
Now its back to wearing that mask I always wear when you’re around.
The smile that shows no pain when you look my way
the laugh that hides my screams when you touch my skin
the grin that hides my sad eyes when you hug me.
Its ironic how simplicity is hard.
You can try stabbing my heart but you won’t find anything there
Just an empty space.
What was once there was ripped out by some one who I thought was my healer but instead was a devil in disguise.
And I followed like a foolish mortal, with my foolish mortal hopes that this might be what I need.
What I’ve been looking for my whole life.
I gave it my all and got nothing in return.
Instead I watched with an aching heart how he worked his way around others
Doing the same things he does with me
Collecting innocent hearts and juggling them as if they were nothing but parts in his lovely show.
Wearing a mask so innocent that a person would die for.
Would sacrifice anything just to see it smile and look their way.
No one is to blame here but me.
Cause his very own words were “I am a devil”.
But its so hard to see with eyes that are blinded by desire.
Its so hard to snap back to reality when reality feels like hell.
You get stuck in your imagination til you reach a point where you don’t know what’s real and what’s not.
What’s really there and what’s just an illusion.
Yes I fell for a devil in disguise, and it didn’t take me by surprise.
I knew that beautiful things usually have ugly endings, and becoming heartless is such an ugly ending.
It was a devil in disguise..
Its time to move
Time for me to start walking again.
I’ve been in this pit stop for too long.
I need to get back in the race but my feet won’t seem to move.
They’re failing me and I don’t know why.
They keep pulling me back to the same place
Keeping me still
As if they were glued to the ground that’s in front of you.
As if they want me to look at you so I can suffer more.
Are my feet telling me that I haven’t suffered enough?
Is there more for me to feel?
I don’t believe that there’s anything more to feel, cause I’ve lost my sense of feeling.
So what is it they want me to see?
Cause I’ve seen enough to know that I’m a fool.
I’ve seen enough to know that this world is a cruel place for foolish people like me.
I try to pick my feet up so I could run
But its like they weigh 1000 pounds and my arms are nothing but skin and bones.
I need some one to pull me.
Some one I could run after.
Some one to start over with and never repeat the same mistakes.
Who’s better than an angel?
Yeah the image of you in my head is still in an angel’s disguise.
But I know what’s underneath that disguise, yet my feet won’t seem to run.
They love the ground you’re on
And I can’t stand it.
They take my words away.
I become mute, i cannot speak a word in your presence.
Cause there are just not enough words to describe how you turn my whole body into a feather.
How you make me float.
And how when you leave, i come crashing down on my face with reality hitting me.
The reality is..
I cannot and could not be with you.
The reality is..
I cannot hold you the way you should be held.
I could not love you the way you should be loved.
And so I keep loving you from a distance. Float and crash every time you pass by
Keep my heart steady so it wont explode from the desire, wants, and needs.
And if you ever ask me why i don’t speak, i would tell you its because I’m in the clouds.
But this one way love is the worst kind of love, and thats why from now on i’ll try to keep my feet on the ground every time you pass by.
Let my heart and brain fight as they always do.
With the heart saying yes, and the brain saying no.
While I’m secretly rooting for my brain to win ..
I’m secretly whispering for my heart to win.
But know that if i ever let you go
it means i’d be letting go of my inspiration and my muse.
Of all the grounds I could’ve fallen on,
I fell on yours.
Of all the eyes that could’ve touched my soul,
Of all the beats my heart could’ve skipped on,
It skipped at your sight.
I decided to call you my new inspiration.
Igniting those empty cans of fuel sitting at the corner of my chest.
Burning those very last drops before it all goes dry.
Reminding me that its still in me; the capability to love and care for another human being.
You can be you.
I can be me.
We can be us.
We can be we.
We can be free.
We’ll be above the clouds roaming around watching all those lost souls searching for their mate.
Searching for their purpose in searching for this psychedelic love filled with euphoria.
Of all the broken hearts that I found,
Of all the broken roads that are bound,
Of all the broken souls that are around,
I fell on you.
I fell in you.
I fell for you.
I fell for everything you clenched on in your moments of despair.
I fell for the world that you believed in in your moments of hope.
I fell for the air that you breathed in in your moments of leisure.
I can give you those one million and one reasons why i fell.
But for now i’ll tell you one,
I’m ready to love with all thats left of my heart.
And all whats left could belong to you if you would have it.
And so i fell for you.